Hello, I’m Terri, and I’m a recovering perfectionist.  I used to believe that being a perfectionist was a good thing.  It meant that what I did was of high quality and motivated me to do better each time I undertook a project.  But I was surprised to find that perfectionism blocked real success.  It did this by having the ego fuel the behavior with negative self-talk, which caused stress, anxiety. It made it harder to reach the goals I set for myself.  I realized that I strived for perfection out of my lack of self-worth and fear of failure. 

My striving for perfection wasn’t the same as striving to do my best.  It wasn’t about achievement and personal growth.  It was armor to protect me against the pain of blame, shame, and judgment, whether from others or myself.  The correctness of the work I did was a direct reflection of my self-worth, which was a lie of the ego.  When I realized that it was fear that pushed me, I was able to change my behavior and learn healthier ways to work towards my goals.

Perfectionism doesn’t believe in practice shots. It doesn’t believe in improvement. Perfectionism has never heard that anything worth doing is worth doing badly – and that if we allow ourselves to do something badly, we might in time become quite good at it. Perfectionism measures our beginner’s work against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and competition. It doesn’t know how to say, “Good try,” or “Job well done.” ~ Julia Cameron

Perfectionistic Behaviors

We all engage in overachieving, but that isn’t perfectionism.  Someone afraid that they can’t do something correctly may never start the project.  Or they are in a perpetual state of research so they can do it without a mistake.  Maybe they are waiting for the perfect conditions to begin.  Procrastination is a form of perfectionism. Perhaps the perfectionist starts the project but never completes it because they don’t believe it will be done right.  Or they spend an excessive amount of time on the details of the process and self-sabotage their work. 

They are comparing their work to others instead of being proud of the work they do.  This act of comparison and the focus spent on flawless output erodes at the self-esteem.  Even when there is success, a perfectionist still is unsatisfied. They find areas that didn’t meet their expectations.  Or they feel that it shouldn’t take as long to attain the goal or they shouldn’t have to work so hard to be perfect. 

You are focusing so much on past failures that you are stuck.  You can’t move forward. If you got a “B” on a test, were you proud of yourself, or did you think you’d failed?  Does it take you over thirty minutes to write a two-sentence email?  Are you unhappy when others are successful? Do you hold yourself to unrealistic standards and tend to burn out too often?  If you answered yes to any of the questions, you might be exhibiting perfectionistic behaviors. 

Perfectionism is internalized oppression. ~ Gloria Steinem

Where did Perfectionism Come From

Some perfectionism is self-induced based upon the goals and standards we set for ourselves.  Another form is based on the criteria we impose on others.  By far, the most damaging way is perfectionism that is socially based.  The socially prescribed form of perfectionism is the one that says that my self-esteem is based on what others think of me. 

This type has been ingrained into our current society through social media, commercials, and celebrities.  We can’t look anywhere and not see what society says is perfect.  It begins as part of our education system, which grades individuals instead of recognizing how well each person does on each task.  Students are afraid of missing the mark and disappointing their parents, who expect perfect grades.

The egoic mind learns that pleasing others determines how we are treated.  When we perform well, we are rewarded, and that feels good.  But when we take a misstep, we are chastised, and that makes us feel bad.  So the ego works to keep us from feeling inadequate, and perfectionism is born. 

At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success. ~ Michael Law

Why Perfectionism is a Problematic

Brene Brown, in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, looks at how those who aspire to perfection become critical of others. This criticism is due to the high expectations they place on themselves as well as their associates which no one can reach. And because perfectionists don’t want to look weak, they tend not to ask for help or share their pain with others.  This inability inhibits them from overcoming their fear.  Brown’s research on vulnerability shows that this causes a lack of resilience in perfectionistic people, so it takes them much longer to bounce back from perceived mistakes. 

Thomas Curran’s research, which he outlined in his TED Talk, shows that there is little evidence that perfectionists are more successful than their associates.  This finding is due to the feelings of dissatisfaction that they feel.  Their egoic voice shouting their unworthiness overshadows any accomplishment they may have gained. 

Although perfectionists are more motivated and have good work ethics, they have higher levels of burn out, stress, and fear.  These adverse reactions can lead to an overall reduction in life expectance.  Since pendants are focused on the destination and not the process, the rigidity of their goals keeps them in a fixed mindset. 

Perfectionism can keep you from dealing with a crisis.  If you are afraid to make a mistake, then you may not handle a predicament at all.  Or if you don’t want to look week, you won’t ask for help when it’s needed. 

Perfectionism is a delusion that can rob one of a very successful, enriching life if not careful. ~ April Bryan

From Perfectionism to Transformation

The quest for perfection is neverending.  And ultimately, it leads to the pain of failure over and over again because it’s unattainable.  Becoming aware of this unreachable goal is how you transform it. 

Life isn’t about living from one mountain top to the next. One must cross through the valley between the summits.  What society thinks is perfect isn’t our goal. We are to be our authentic, imperfect selves. 

Our imperfections are part of who we are.  They are what make us different from everyone else.  These personality quirks are not inadequacies.  They are the parts of us that need others to help us overcome.  It allows for authentic connections.  

The need to be perfect doesn’t allow us the opportunity to grow through learning from our mistakes.  For growth to occur, we have to be able to move past blame and shame to see the lesson.  Admitting failure means taking responsibility for the choices and actions you undertook so that you can learn from them.  By doing so, we enable ourselves to be more resilient the next time we take a misstep.  We learn that we can overcome situations. 

There is no way to genuinely, powerfully, truly love yourself while crafting a mask of perfection. ~ Vironika Tugaleva

Unlocking a Better Way

Once you are aware of your perfectionist tendencies, you can begin to change the behavior.  The most crucial change to implement is to change your self-talk.  You need to be self-compassionate by stopping the self-criticism.  Removing the absolutes from your languaging like the words must and should can help you feel less pressure.  Realize that there is an in-between the “all or the nothing” in how you think. 

Admit that we all take missteps and that as long as we learn from them, then they are acceptable.  Reevaluate the situation and move forward towards the goal.  This reframing of the story is about being able to use the current conditions in a way that advances you toward success. 

Release your fears.  This letting go can be done by writing them down in a journal or sharing them with a trusted person.  Once we are aware, and especially when we share it, fears brought into the light are seldom actually fearful.  Hiding them is where shame comes is born. 

A great way to overcome perfectionism is to start a new hobby—the thing you’ve always wanted to do so that you’re inspired to make an effort.  As you start this new venture as at the beginner level, turn your focus on having fun.  As a novice, you will make mistakes. It’s part of the learning process. Enjoy the activity instead of focusing on the result. 

I really believe that it is honesty about our imperfect selves that makes everyone do better and be better. ~ Dan Pearce

Implementing Strategies to Stay Unblocked

Changing the focus from the end product, lessen your perfectionist tendencies by becoming focused on the end date.  By focusing on the day, the project is due means that you are now evaluating the time table to completion.  You can better determine what you can accomplish in the time you have versus having it perfect.    

Stretch yourself by taking on something that can move your life in a new direction.  Perfectionists stay in their comfort zone and, therefore, in a rut.  By challenging yourself and taking a risk helps you overcome the fear of failure and moves you into a growth mindset.  By exploring other areas, we become more aware of ourselves and our abilities. 

Not understanding or needing assistance are hard for the perfectionist.  Not knowing what is requested of you or what the outcome is supposed to look like shouldn’t be a stumbling block. But with a few questions, clarity can be achieved.  So speaking up and authentically communicating with others to gain clear direction is a crucial skill to acquire to stay unblocked and move you forward towards the goal. 

Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis. ~ Brené Brown

Moving Forward

Despite its origins from ourselves or society, overcoming my perfectionist ways took time.  The egoic mind uses different tools to keep us locked in this behavior.  It uses procrastination, comparison, and focusing on the past to block us from our goals.  We have to become aware of the issues that our perfectionism causes.  Keeping us stagnant with a fixed mindset, or the inability to ask for help are ways we are blocked. 

Once we realize that perfection is unattainable, we can release our behaviors by changing our focus.  We are no longer looking at the result, but our focus is on the process.  We are changing our self-talk and reframing the story so we can use our missteps as learning opportunities.  Move out of your comfort zone and ask for help when you need it.  By doing so, you allow yourself to strive to do your best and overcome the block that perfectionism put in your way.  

The most dangerous way we sabotage ourselves is by waiting for the perfect moment to begin. Nothing works perfectly the first time or the first fifty times. Everything has a learning curve. The beginning is just that – a beginning. Surrender your desire to do it flawlessly on the first try. It’s not possible. Learn to learn. Learn to fail. Learn to learn from failing. And begin today. Begin now. Stop waiting. ~ Vironika Tugaleva

As you become more conscious of your perfectionist tendencies and become aware of your fear, you can overcome the behavior that blocks your success.  If you would like to receive more informative and mindful articles right into your mailbox, fill this out. 

Do you need support to help you overcome your perfectionism?  Do you want a strategy to help you overcome the ego’s limiting beliefs and live authentically? If so, please, contact me, and we can put together an action plan for you to create the life you desire.

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Article Name

Perfectionism Blocks You: Unlock a Better Way

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Perfectionism blocks success by allowing the fear of failure to rise up. You can overcome perfectionism by your awareness and having a growth mindset.

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Terri Kozlowski

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Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

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