Did you know your brain is hard-wired to feel empathy for others? That’s why you wince when you see someone experiencing pain because you anticipate how you would feel. But this is not the type of pain I want you to open your eyes to see. Instead, I want you to see the silent emotional anguish of those around you. Why? Because when you can see the hurt of others, it empowers you to make an authentic connection to help them overcome their suffering.

So the pain I’m referring to is the suffering caused by egoic thoughts.  For example, when the ego brings up past events or plays out unlikely scenarios about the future–those ideas cause anxiety and stress. Still, they are all caused by the internal conversations within the mind. So, the truth is, the thoughts you have cause your torment.

This realization was a huge Ah-Ha moment for me. Why? Because when I understood I was the cause of my suffering, I could change my behavior and stop the anguish. But when others are in torment, they can’t see this universal truth. That’s where you come in. I want you to open your eyes and look for those who are trying to hide their pain behind masks and armor of a forced smile and the “I’m fine” comment. One simple act of kindness from you can alter a person’s perspective and give them hope.

Compassion and pity are not the same: pity is looking down on someone, feeling sorry for them, and offering nothing. Compassion is seeing their pain and offering them understanding. ~ Jasinda Wilder

Perceiving The Hurt Of Others

Children and pets know when others are hurting. But many adults are numb to seeing the pain of others. Although the news and social media can bombard you with negativity, natural disasters, slayings, and sadness, many become dazed by the imagery. So anesthetized that many choose to watch this type of negativity as entertainment.

This numbing effect causes issues when you don’t see the hurt of those with whom you are in a relationship. Of course, you want others to see your pain and comfort you, and people in your life desire the same. But when you’re anesthetized from witnessing people’s suffering, those around you go unnoticed and therefore don’t get the help they need.

Another consequence of keeping your eyes shut is that you miss out on the opportunities to make authentic connections. Only through connecting with others can you shine your light and help them through their struggles with your love, perspective, and presence. In addition, you could significantly impact another by being there for them when they are in pain.

So I want you not just to make eye contact with others, but I want you to consciously look at those you interact with and see if they are suffering in silence. Look at your coworker who’s been struggling with a project, see the stranger walking past you, and observe those around the dinner table and consider if any of them are hurting.

The greatest sympathy gift you can give a hurting friend or loved one is you. Your presence, compassion, patience, and caring are the greatest gifts you could ever give to help them get through a difficult time. ~ Michelle Pommells

Their Pain Isn’t For You To Take On

Don’t confuse empathy with responsibility. You aren’t to take on another’s pain. It’s not your obligation to fix or solve the issue. But, unfortunately, sometimes, when you have a habit of taking on others’ problems, what you’re really doing is getting preoccupied with their issues that you don’t deal with your own.

Instead, see the anguish and let them know you empathize with their feelings. Then see how you can help relieve their suffering. Be present with them and help them focus on the current moment. Talk with them about options, possibilities, and why they feel the way they do. Seeing the pain is about acknowledging the person and loving them despite their feelings.

So, your job isn’t to fix but to be fully present with them and witness their struggle, then love them as they work through their issue. No one wants to feel they are broken and need to be fixed, and it’s because no one is defective. Simply providing support and your presence is vital in helping others through their pain.

Actively listen to them as they talk through their struggle. Having someone listen as they speak out loud how they feel can help them realize a solution for themselves. Being a loving witness without responding is a gift of compassion you can freely give. When you allow others their own journey and learn about their inner strength, you empower them for the subsequent struggle they may need to handle.     

In life, you either choose to be a powerless victim or one of the chosen ones who now has the power to understand the pain of others. ~ Linda Alfiori

Understanding What You Can Control

You cannot control others or their life situations.  All you can control is yourself. How you consciously respond to those around you. Therefore, you cannot change the circumstances of others. Can you offer another perspective? Of course, you can, and it may be constructive.  Can you help in other ways? Yes, if you are asked, or the person accepts your offer.

Keep in mind, there is a lesson the person in pain is to learn from their experience. So let go of how you want to see the outcome and understand they need to face their issues. Respect them enough to have personal boundaries in place so you can give to them from a place of love and not out of obligation or fear.

Being able to separate yourself from others’ emotions is essential for you to do. This distinction is because you are independent of your loved ones. It can be challenging to understand that they have their own growing disconnected from yours.

When others share with you their struggles, they may not be looking for you to do anything. Communicating with another makes them feel less alone.  It’s natural to want human connection and desire for others to hear you. Everyone wants to be understood. And you can provide this need to those who are in pain. Once someone feels a person has acknowledged their pain, they can open up to potential solutions. Hearing you say, “I understand,” can be the best compassionate response another can receive.

We would all benefit by shifting our focus from seeing pain as bad to seeing pain as motivation to change. ~ Cortney S. Warren

Signs Of Internal Pain In Others

Some emotional wounds are like a paper cut, not severe but aggravating. And when they don’t heal, they fester and lead to more difficult behavioral issues. Unfortunately, this suffering isn’t seen very well because of the masks and armor that have been in place for protection. And many aren’t aware of the suffering they cause.

Here are some indicators that others may show which could point to an internal personal struggle.

• Pushing their bodies to unhealthy limits
• Explosive anger and unpredictable moods
• Nightmares
• Isolation
• Perfectionism and micro-management
• Anxiety or depression
• Overly distrustful and fearful of others
• Protective of personal space and don’t like to be touched
• Unstable relationships or abusive
• Morality issues
• Never content, always complaining about something

See, most of what I’m asking you to look for, sadly, seems normal. But just because society is numb to the pain of others doesn’t mean you have to be. On the contrary, when you open your eyes to the struggles of those around you, you can learn to help them by responding to them with love.

Also, when you see hurt in others, you may recognize it in yourself and not like it.  Therefore, many choose not to see the reflection of the pain in themselves when they see another person struggling with the same issue.

If seeing that other person’s pain brings up your fear or anger or confusion (which often happens), just start doing tonglen for yourself and all the other people who are stuck in the same way. ~ Pema Chodron

How To Respond To Pain With Love         

When someone shares their struggle, it’s common to want to respond in a comforting way. But many times, common refrains shouldn’t be a part of the initial conversation, as they tend not to be helpful or could be dismissive. 

• “Look at the bright side….”
• “It’s not that bad.”
• “That happened to me; here’s what I did.”
• “Let it go.”

Instead, respond from a place of empathy and show support.

• Give them a hug, or hold their hand as a sign of caring.
• “This must be hard for you” is a way to validate their feelings.
• Be honest by sharing your reactions. Even if you don’t know what to say, tell them.
• Create space for them to feel: let them cry, talk, or sit with you and release their emotions.
• Ask them if there is anything you can do to help, but try to be specific because they may not know what you could do to help relieve their suffering.

When you are fully present with another, acknowledge their feelings, they are comforted, even if the issue hasn’t been resolved. Accepting what is and clearly seeing the other person allows for the beginning of the healing process. Why? Because most of the time, you’ve had a similar experience.  Everyone has been hurt, felt alone, and been down in the dumps, so empathizing isn’t difficult.

See, the pain you’ve experienced authentically connects you with all humanity, and the solution to the pain is the love you can give to another.

Each pain is unbearable – yet trifling

Seeing the TRUTH is excruciating – yet exquisite

Through laughter & tears – grinning & fear, we face our demons.

~Jay Woodman

Moving Forward Seeing One Another’s Hurt

When life happens, it’s easy to focus on the pain instead of working through it.  But if you take the time to share your struggles with another, your pain will dissipate. And if you recognize your pain in someone else and are present with them and hear about their anguish, it allows you to help them not feel alone.

The egoic mind wants you to isolate yourself, especially when hurting. But that is when you need others to reinforce you’re not alone, and others have had similar experiences and pain, too.

Remember, the ego wants you to feel broken, but you’re not and never have been. Yes, you may have had trauma, fractures, and pain, but you’ve always been whole. The world has suffering, but it also has people overcoming their pain. This transcendence comes when you let go of the fear the ego brings to the forefront of your life and allow love to heal. Let the love of others help your healing process and be the love others need to support them through their struggles.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. ~ Sophocles

Do you need help to open your eyes to see the pain of others so you can love them through the healing process? Do you want to respond to others from a place of love instead of fear? If so, please reach out to me at TerriKozlowski.com, and we can put together an action plan to live the life of your dreams.

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It's Powerful to Open Your Eyes and See The Pain of Others

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When others are in pain, do you see it? Are you numb to the struggles and suffering of others? When you see the hurt, it empowers you to help.

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Terri Kozlowski

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Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

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