Personal boundaries are the guidelines, rules, or limits we create to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards you. Also, it’s about how you respond when someone steps over those boundaries and the consequences of the actions that you impose. You build these boundaries out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, and past experiences you’ve had dealing with others.

Even if you don’t know exactly what a personal boundary is, you know what it feels like when someone crosses the line with you. The time when you had to say no to helping a friend move because you were going to be out of town but they made you feel guilty about you going on vacation. Or, when that girlfriend teases you about a time you were stood up on a blind date and you try to laugh it off instead of sticking up for yourself and telling her the comment hurts your feelings.

Whether it’s realized, boundaries occur with most people, even small children—the rules or principles of what is allowed.  They protect from maltreatment during interactions with others.  Their use is self-care in action.

Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring because I don’t do things your way. I care about me, too. ~ Christine Morgan

Why it’s important to set boundaries

Personal boundaries are vital for you to thrive and have healthy relationships. Having them in place allows you to communicate your needs and desires clearly and succinctly, without fear of repercussions. It’s also used to set limits so others don’t take advantage of you or may hurt you. It’s a way for you to practice self-care and self-respect.

With unhealthy boundaries, you lose self-respect as it goes against your values to please others. You keep giving of yourself and yet feel like when you ask for help, you’re ignored. Allowing others to determine what you like, where you’re going, or who you are shows you are allowing them to control you, which is a sign that you have unhealthy boundaries.

Another unhealthy boundary is expecting others to fill your needs. It’s no one’s responsibility to make you happy, just like you’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. No one is responsible for the way your life situation currently is other than you. If you think differently, then you are giving away your power to others and aren’t being your authentic self. 

You don’t want to feel mistreated by others. Furthermore, you don’t want to give up your power to others and live a small life. So why don’t you set personal boundaries?

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. ~Brené Brown

Why It’s Difficult To Set Them

Everyone puts other people’s needs and feelings before their own in their lives, especially with their children. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s self-care. The guilt you feel is self-imposed based on a fear that when you don’t help, you will not be liked or someone will abandon you. This is the ego trying to keep you from possibly feeling bad in the future, but it’s a lie. If a person doesn’t like you for not helping them, then they aren’t your friend.

Many believe setting boundaries may jeopardize their relationship, so they aren’t assertive about what is acceptable behavior. Boundaries aren’t meant to punish others; they are for your well-being and protection. You aren’t being rude or mean by not wanting your friend to kiss you every time you see them. But you fear any confrontation with them, so you say nothing. This isn’t helpful to anyone. Your friends aren’t trying to make you feel uncomfortable, so there is no harm in letting them know you would prefer a hug.

Sometimes you haven’t learned to have healthy boundaries because you don’t know what your limits are. Or you believe boundaries need to be ridged and there’s no flexibility, which isn’t the case. For example, you have stated to your friends that you prefer hugs to kisses, and they are complying with the request. Then you’re introduced to Leo, who immediately kisses you on both cheeks. You’re quickly told that Leo is visiting from Paris, and it’s customary for the French people to kiss upon meeting. You are not upset, and no boundary has been crossed because he is new and doesn’t know your preferences. 

Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for. ~ J.S. Wolfe

No Is A Complete Sentence

The art of saying no is a hard skill to gain. I was a people-pleaser for years because I thought that to have friends; that I needed to keep them happy, despite the harm it was doing to me. I said “yes” to taking on more responsibility, even though I knew I didn’t have the time needed to do the task properly. Furthermore, I said yes to giving more of myself to someone who deserved no more of me because of their horrible behavior toward me. Many of us do it in our lives. We need to forgive ourselves and learn to say no forcefully.

When you say yes to something and don’t want to do the task, you feel resentment. Bitterness towards the requester and anger at yourself for the task you’re doing. Most people will procrastinate in doing the task that was committed to instead of asserting themselves and clearly stating the complete sentence of no. Learning to say no, so when you say yes, there isn’t resentment, is how you know you’re understanding this concept of setting personal boundaries. 

Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. ~ Josh Billings

Classes of Boundaries

 There are many ways in which boundaries apply. Let’s look at each type.

 1.       Physical Boundaries:

This class of limitations refers to your personal space, confidentiality, bodily needs, and physical touch.  These are about defining personal health and safety zones. 

2.        Sexual Boundaries:

These limitations refer to sexual touch and activity.  It expands from physical boundaries based on the personal relationship that has developed into a sexual partnership. 

3.        Material Boundaries:

This type of boundary is about your possessions and your willingness to share what you have.  This limitation is about your cash, valuables, and personal items. 

4.        Mental Boundaries:

These restrictions apply to your thoughts, beliefs, and viewpoints. Knowing what you believe and why you accept it as true for you is essential to forming your viewpoints. But are you easily impressionable, or do you stand firm in your beliefs?  Are you willing to change your perspective when you see an alternative idea, or are you inflexible in your thinking, even if a better idea presents itself? 

5.        Emotional Boundaries:

These constraints refer to understanding your responsibility for how you feel and separating your emotions from others. Emotional boundaries are how you protect your self-esteem. When they are in place, you can deflect negative comments, criticism, and verbal abuse so that they do not affect your self-confidence.  

6.        Spiritual Boundaries:

Here, you are referring to your beliefs concerning your spiritual views.  The critical point I want to make here is to be careful where you get your information when seeking spiritual truths for yourself.  You need to evaluate your sources and trust your gut instincts. 

7.        Time Boundaries:

How are you using your time?  Have you set aside enough time for all the different aspects of your life? Are you giving your relationships the time they need for you to make genuine connections?  Is there time for you to pursue your hobbies and relax? When you allow others to monopolize your time, this boundary is being dishonored.  If you can’t tell another no and commit yourself to something you don’t want to do, you have weak time boundaries.   

Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do. ~ Rachel Wolchin

Setting Them For Yourself

Internal boundaries are those limitations you impose upon yourself, your self-discipline.  How are you managing your time, thoughts, feelings, actions, and compulsions?  Are you procrastinating, staying up all-night binge-watching movies, or are you purposeful with your time and energy?  Are you taking care of your body by eating nutritious foods, getting enough rest, and exercising?  If not, you may have weak internal boundaries.

When you learn to empower yourself through the self-discipline of your thoughts, you become masters of your life. You can follow through on the objectives and obligations you made to yourself. 

Healthy internal boundaries help you separate yourself from the needs of others.  For example, you don’t assume responsibility for how someone feels.  You aren’t gullible, as you consider ideas and viewpoints based on your inner knowing and truth. 

It empowers you to set boundaries if needed. Since you are accountable to yourself for how you feel, you don’t blame others.  And if someone tries to blame you, you know better and don’t feel responsible.  You aren’t defending your position or apologizing for something that isn’t about you. 

These psychological boundaries can be malleable and are adaptable as you grow as an individual.  With healthy internal boundaries, you are free to define who you are, what you believe, and whether you will change your viewpoints based on additional information.  It shows you respect yourself and will protect your joy, your peace, and your time.

Our boundaries define our personal space – and we need to be sovereign there in order to be able to step into our full power and potential. ~ Jessica Moore

Positive Outcomes of Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

When you set healthy personal boundaries, you begin to have improved self-confidence and a healthy self-concept. This occurs because you’re confident in your responses to situations that arise. You’re more in touch with the reality of each circumstance, not allowing your ego to cloud you with fear.

Your relationships improve because you’re better able to communicate with others. You can clearly state what you want and what you don’t want. When you feel that you have more fulfilling relationships, you also feel you have more stability and control over your life.

Being assertive about what you need is not being unkind. You can always stand up for yourself without hurting others. Using the words “I need” or “I feel” and not pointing the finger at others allows you to be assertive without offending someone. 

Self-awareness and learning to be confident are the first steps in setting personal boundaries. It’s self-care; each time you say no, you are saying yes to yourself. It builds your self-esteem and self-concept to know you’re not being taken advantage of. 

The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘No’ to almost everything. ~Warren Buffett

Moving Forward With Boundaries

Where do you see yourself with the personal boundaries you have in place?  Do you even have them?  If you do, are they too soft or too rigid?  If others have hurt you, you may need to realign your thought processes concerning the boundaries you have in place and make some corrections. As you become more aware and gain more self-confidence as you set personal boundaries, you can take off the masks and armor you wear and adjust the course of your relationships.

You have to love and respect yourself enough to not let people use and abuse you. You have to set boundaries and keep them, let people clearly know how you won’t tolerate to be treated, and let them know how you expect to be treated. ~ Jeanette Coron

Do you need support in overcoming the fear of setting personal boundaries? Do you want a strategy to help you create healthy boundaries in your relationships? If so, please contact me, and we can put together an action plan for you to be authentically you with healthy personal boundaries.

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Summary

Article Name

Why Personal Boundaries are Important and How to Set Them

Description

Personal boundaries are guidelines in how we allow people to treat us. It's important to have them in place as part of our self-care practices.

Author

Terri Kozlowski

Publisher Name

Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

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