Armor is what you all wear to protect yourself.  The shield that you have learned to put on when you were younger so that the words of others didn’t hurt so much.  It’s understandable why most of you wear armor, but do you realize that it keeps you from living a fully authentic life?

Both at business and at home, you are expected to lead with courage and boldness. It’s time for you to remove your armor. However, feeling as though you need the armor is normal. Since your armor has been a part of who you are for such a long time, you frequently do not even realize that you are wearing it. You and those around you cannot easily see your energetic armor.

Because you are human. Everybody has armor. To save yourself from feeling abandoned and hurt, you have partially frozen your energy. Your vitality has been immobilized by your preconceived notions about the nature of the world and your role in it. Your vibrancy has been trapped by recollections of what “should” and “could” occur when you venture outside of your comfort zone. Although your armor keeps you safe, it can also impede your development, particularly in unpredictable and changing times. 

Whatever your age, the armor or masks that you wear are as personalized and unique as each of your susceptibility, uneasiness, or hurt you’re trying to diminish. It’s time to get some support and assistance in taking off your armor.

Suspicion is a heavy armor and with its weight it impedes more than it protects. ~ Robert Burns

Types Of Amor

There are different types of armor or masks depending on how you react to uncomfortable situations.  These defense mechanisms you put into place to help you deal with your fears. 

1.      Silence

The first piece of armor is the silence.  If I don’t talk, no one can make fun of what I say. If I don’t speak, I won’t accidentally say the wrong thing and be embarrassed. If I don’t say anything at all, no one can tell me I’m wrong.  If I refuse to converse with you then I am withholding my love and you will be hurt.  You recognize these responses, don’t you?  But the reality is, you know they don’t help the situation.  They don’t even make us feel better.  

Withholding honest communication only makes the situation worse, not better.  How you feel is important to share.  Your thoughts are significant even if you aren’t sure how to express them clearly.  You sharing your opinion is neither right nor wrong, but it may be helpful to someone else.  By choosing to be silent, you are keeping others away from you so that authentic connections cannot be formed.

In human intercourse, the tragedy begins, not when there is a misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood. ~ Henry David Thoreau

2.      Perfectionism Is Armor

The second defense mechanism is perfectionism.  Now this one doesn’t seem as obvious, but it too keeps us from connecting with others as you aren’t being authentic.  It does this by putting up expectation barriers that make it difficult for others to get close to us.  People don’t like disappointment, so they may choose to avoid those who expect more than they think they can give.

Also, perfectionism is a reflection inward.  It’s the armor that keeps you from reaching out to others because you don’t want to appear weak by asking for help.  Perfectionists tend to be complainers because they point out all the things that are not ideal, even if no one else notices.  Perfectionism is one of the many forms of fear. 

At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success. ~Michael Law

3.      Numbing

The third mechanism that you use as part of our armor is numbing.  An example of this is relieving your stress from work with a glass of wine, every day, even when you didn’t work on the weekend.  It’s your excuse for eating the whole tub of ice cream.  You can numb with food, tobacco, alcohol, or binge-watching The Walking Dead.  This is the mask of avoidance.  By not directly dealing with the issue is not helpful.  

You can even use this mechanism when you are with other people, especially smoking and drinking alcohol.  These two devices are socially acceptable in a group setting so you don’t realize that you are numbing your authenticity from others.  But if you feel that drinking or smoking makes you “cooler” or relaxes you so you feel better in a group setting.

By default, most of us have taken the dare to simply survive. Exist. Get through. For the most part, we live numb to life – we’ve grown weary and apathetic and jaded… and wounded. ~ Ann Voskamp

Removing the Armor and Being Vulnerable

Author and researcher on vulnerability, Brené Brown, writes that the only way humans can truly connect is to embrace it.  What exactly does this mean?  It means that you need to recognize that your weaknesses are part of your authentic self.  You can’t be authentic with others unless you are honest and share all of who you are, and that includes your vulnerabilities.  

Although the vulnerability has conventionally been seen as a weakness, the idea of being exposed — defects, inadequacies, mistakes, and all— is, for most people, totally petrifying.

But as Brené Brown has shown through her research, that being vulnerable isn’t a liability — it’s an asset.  Being open is the ability to allow people to see that you’re not perfect, you make mistakes, and you don’t have all the answers. It’s allowing people to see that you’re human. That you’re just like them. 

To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength. ~ Criss Jami

Ways To Remove The Armor

There are several ways you can begin to remove the armor and masks that you wear. Here are the ones I found especially helpful.

Set Boundaries

Personal boundaries are guidelines for how you allow people to treat you, and what you find as acceptable behavior.  By putting boundaries in place, you can begin to take off the armor because you know what conduct you are willing to tolerate from others.  You empower yourself to take appropriate action when someone violates the boundaries you have put into place. 

Personal limitations are vital for you to flourish and be in strong relationships.  Having them in place allows you to communicate your needs and wants plainly and concisely without fear of consequences.  It is a way for you to practice authentic self-respect.

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. ~ Henry Cloud

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is the antidote to the armor of perfectionism.  It’s going from worrying about what others will think or say to knowing that you are enough just as you are.  Self-care is taking care of yourself, and your mental, emotional, and physical health. Basic self-care is vital to improving mood and reducing stress.  

Simple acts of kindness for yourself, like a bubble bath, is an act of self-compassion.  Recognizing the struggles of others shows that you all need help once in a while.  Be mindful and acknowledge any hurt feelings but don’t let them overtake you.  Feel them, move past them, and get to the other side where answers come.  Accepting that you, and others, are enough just as you are can help break the grip of perfectionism to be more authentic.

Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. ~ Christopher Germer

Gratitude overcomes Numbing

One of the side effects of numbing the pain is that you also numb the joy.  No lows, but also no highs with this piece of armor.  This seems counter intuitive, but if you feel joy then it may be taken away.  So, you numb all your feelings, both good and bad.  

In her TED Talk about vulnerability, Brené Brown, shared that the happiest people were ones that practiced gratitude.  Thankfulness recognizes that you are living with enough, permitting us to accept the simple joys that surround you.

The easiest way to practice appreciation is to start a gratitude journal.  All you have to do is make a short list, maybe five items each day, that you are thankful for.  Big things like not being in a car accident, to simple things like the fresh squeezed orange juice you made for your breakfast.  When you can see that your life is full of joy that depends on no one, you can release the urge to numb your feelings and be authentic.  

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Human Connections

Making human connections is vital for your health.  The human brain is wired to make associations with people.  It needs those links to maintain overall health.  Reaching out to others helps people come out of depression.  The connection to others keeps your brain healthy. But to make real authentic bonds you need to remove the masks and armor you have been wearing.  

Vulnerability is courageously showing your true self, which can feel uncomfortable.  But you can push past the discomfort.  As an alternative to the armor, let’s clothe ourselves in garments that allow us to connect.  Those made of empathy, compassion, humbleness, kindness, patience, and forgiveness, are topped with love.  By doing so you open the door to more imagination, invention, and more authentic connections with others, which is more than worth the effort. 

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. ~ Brené Brown

Moving Forward Without Armor

It can be really painful to be vulnerable, have difficult conversations, and take off your armor. Wanting to put off doing the work till a “better” time is common. Nevertheless, you have little control over what life circumstances come at you. And yet, life becomes easier as you begin to take off the armor. You feel better. Are able to take pleasure in your time in a way that means something to you. Furthermore, you become aware that you might take off another layer of armor by seeking guidance in response to the inevitable reactions you encounter. 

As you pause and become more mindful of your life you become aware of the armor you wear you can begin to remove it one piece at a time.

Take off your armor; dare to be vulnerable, dare to unwrap yourself, and dare yourself to be yourself. ~ Maria Shriver

Do you need support in recognizing the disguises of the ego?  Do you want a strategy to help you take off your armor and make authentic connections?  If so please, contact me at TerriKozlowski.com and we can put together an action plan for you to be authentically you by being more transparent.   

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It's Easy To Remove the Armor And Live Authentically

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The armor we wear to protect ourselves keeps us from making human connections and living authentic lives. Here is how to remove the armor.

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Terri Kozlowski

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Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

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