When we are hurt in public, when others are watching us, it rises out of us in the form of anger.  It’s the natural and automatic reaction the ego uses to deflect the pain.  Agony from feeling rejected, or threatened, or experiencing some form of loss.  The type of discomfort we feel doesn’t matter, but we know the pain is unpleasant.  Because the egoic mind doesn’t want to show vulnerability in public, it uses anger as the emotion which is safe to display to others. 

The anger that is displayed is usually directed at someone, even if the trigger wasn’t them.  (Even if the target is yourself.) The triggers to anger are always within us.  They are personal thoughts– assumptions we make, interpretations of events, assessments of comments made.  But these thoughts are taken by the egoic mind and turned into threats against you personally. 

Showing anger in public has become acceptable behavior as we defend ourselves or our position.  By changing the feeling of pain into something else, we feel better and less exposed, especially when others are watching our reaction. 

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.  ~ Mark Twain

Advantages of Anger in Public

The critical advantage of changing your pain into anger when you are in public is using it as a distraction.  The ego likes to divert us from feeling hurt by having us instead focus our attention on how to harm the person who made us feel bad.  This attention shift from self to another helps transmute the pain we feel into anger at the one who hurt us. 

So, anger temporarily protects us from having to deal with the painful emotions we are facing.  Anger hides us from the reality of an uncomfortable situation, so we no longer feel vulnerable.  It also creates the illusion of empowerment or moral superiority as we take on our defense.  We now have a cause to defend, which makes us feel strong instead of weak from the pain we are hiding. 

Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed, or offended. But what you’re doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose not to let little things upset you.  ~ Joel Osteen

Drawbacks of Anger in Public

The major drawback of releasing our anger in public is the tendency to cling to the anger without regard to a reasonable solution to the issue.  Holding on to the rage and bearing a grudge means that returning to a better state becomes less critical than staying incensed because your ego needs to defend its position. 

The other disadvantage to anger in public is the concept of needing revenge for the harm caused by the other.  The egoic mind takes the hurt that you experienced. It assumes that the appropriate reaction requires injury must befall you at my hand.  This type of action isn’t about teaching a lesson, which involves forgiveness and restitution; revenge is an amoral reaction to pain. 

Transformation is my favorite game, and in my experience, anger and frustration are the results of you not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life. Being fake about anything creates a block inside of you. Life can’t work for you if you don’t show up as you. ~ Jason Mraz

Understanding Righteous Indignation

Purified anger is the type of angry reaction over the mistreatment or injustice of another.  But part of this type of rage is one that is free of the impulses to seek revenge, retaliation, or retribution.  It responds to a fair solution to the wrong that was witnessed.   And once the resolution is perceived, one can quickly release the rage. 

When we see an injustice, we are correct to become angry.  But the only proper way to deal with that anger is to act morally.    We need to look within ourselves to verify what caused our outrage. Are we willing to let go of the rage as we take constructive action against inequality?  If we take moral action yet still find ourselves angry, then it’s not righteous indignation; it’s just rage. 

Anger is like flowing water; there’s nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water; anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel, the freedom to flow, water that you gathered in one place, and left to forget. Stagnant water becomes dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, deadly; that is your hate. On flowing, water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human. ~  C. Joy Bell

Anger as a Way to Maintain Control

As previously noted, when others are watching, anger camouflages the feeling of pain.  When others trigger a negative emotional response from us, like feeling unimportant, devalued, or powerless, we cover up these emotions with anger as a mechanism to soothe our egos.  It does this by invalidating what led us to feel the pain. 

When we are angry, our bodies release hormones that help relieve pain.  It also secretes substances that give us a surge in energy.  So, our bodies naturally protect us from feeling the pain, and we are physically energized to defend ourselves.  Despite the physical reactions, our body undergoes, anger typically creates more issues than it resolves. 

As you can see, this can become a vicious cycle.  The way to end its detrimental effects is to understand the causes of the anger we feel.  We need to learn what our triggers are so that in the future, we can manage our thoughts differently.  In doing so, we allow ourselves to take a pause and then to respond accordingly. 

Maybe we allow our vulnerable, authentic selves to be seen.  This way, others can learn that the words they choose, impact us.  Or we determine that we can leave the situation that makes us feel uncomfortable because we are setting personal boundaries.  There are other ways for us to respond to feeling pain in public.  We get to choose our response once we take responsibility for how we feel. 

If anger helps you feel in control, no wonder you can’t control your anger!  ~  Leon F. Seltzer Ph.D. 

Managing Our Reactions in Public

The first step is to become aware and mindful of how you feel.  This pause allows you to calm yourself.  Once you are conscious of your emotions, you can move on to trying to understand why you are feeling hurt.  This emotional reaction may not be a threat if we can pause, take a deep calming breath, and look at the bigger picture. 

Once you have taken a moment to become conscious of your feelings, and analyzing the reasoning behind them, then you can choose how to respond calmly to the situation at hand.  It allows you the time to give a correct response without inflaming the circumstances based on an egoic reaction. 

Our anger rises from our past, but we don’t have to react the same way each time.  We can learn from the experiences we’ve had and alter the present environment.  You can look for the triggers that start to annoy you and step away from the circumstances before the conditions escalate.   

If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will grow stronger and return. ~ Deepak Chopra

How to Let Go of Anger

The egoic mind dwells on issues that cause us pain for it to find ways of avenging the hurt.  This monkey mind’s circular thinking is a tool of the ego to keep you fearful and in pain.  One way I’ve used to release anger is through journaling.  It allows me a safe venue to release the rage, which hurts no one.  It also stops the endless negative thoughts from freely flowing because of my pent-up emotions. 

Of course, meditation is a fabulous way to calm yourself and dispel damaging emotions.  It does this by getting ourselves out of our heads.  Also, by closing your eyes, it eliminates the visual aspects around you, which may elicit painful feelings.  Once we become present, we can choose to change our anger into something less destructive. 

Anxiety means we are living in the future and not in the present moment. The monkey mind focuses on potential future outcomes.  By staying fully present at this moment, we allow ourselves the opportunity to let peace wash over us.  Only in the now can we feel peace. 

Holding anger is poison. It eats you from inside. We think hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. ~ Mitch Albom

Reframing Your Thoughts

The best way to deal with pain in public is to reframe your thought patterns.  Doing so allows you to bypass the current trend of feeling hurt and then hiding that pain in anger.  This change can occur simply by replacing the egoic and fearful thoughts with more reasonable ones. 

This reframing can be done by altering the words you use.  Words are powerful, and your word choices impact how you feel.  Stop using finite words in your statements.  Using words like always and never keeps us from looking at alternatives and can alienate others who may be willing to help us. 

Be logical in your thinking.  Allow yourself to feel the emotions when they arise, but pause to recognize them.  Once you’ve acknowledged the feelings, you can allow your rational mind to see the big picture to get a balanced perspective so you can move forward with understanding.   

Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.  ~ Jim Butcher

Moving Forward

It’s not rational to think you can eliminate angry reactions.  But you can make changes to how you respond to pain in public.  We have to become mindful of what triggers us to react angrily.  Then we need to pause, take a calming breath so we can gain a better perspective on the circumstances.  We can release the anger through journaling, mediation, and staying in the present moment.  By reframing our thoughts about what causes us to react emotionally, we can take responsibility to change how we respond. 

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are. ~  Cherie Carter-Scott

As you become more conscious of your emotions in public and become aware of the thoughts that trigger you, you can overcome anger.  If you would like to receive more informative and mindful articles right into your mailbox, fill this out. 

Do you need support to help you release anger?  Do you want a strategy to help you overcome the ego’s limiting beliefs and live a successful life? If so, please, contact me, and we can put together an action plan for you to create the life you desire.

Views: 104

Summary

Article Name

When Pain Shows up in Public, it’s in the Form of Anger

Description

In a public setting, when someone causes you pain, it gets disguised as anger, which is an acceptable form of behavior, but it doesn't help us deal with it.

Author

Terri Kozlowski

Publisher Name

Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

Publisher Logo