As humanity’s faith in reason replaced the adherence to customs and the monarchy’s authority during the Enlightenment, the idea of justice became a cultural ideal.  Early proponents of Enlightenment thought that since humans are capable of reason, they should also be impartial and fair.

Everyone likes the idea of justice.  Furthermore, I’m sure that everyone would like to live in a just society where everyone receives what is due to them and there is fairness and justice.

When you play a game with a two-year-old, he won’t feel the least bit guilty about removing your pieces or think it’s unfair when you take his off the board at random. Until you learn the arbitrary game rules. When the rules are broken, you then feel violated and say, “That’s not fair!” Disobeying arbitrary rules enables people to reconnect with the authentic power that lives within them.

Although equal chance for equal gain is fundamental to the definition of “fair,” it does not equate to “equal.”  It’s not fair to say that everyone gets their way.  Instead, it shows that each member of the group has an equal chance of gaining something.  For example, a teacher may only provide computer time in the classroom to pupils who have finished their assignments.  Since everyone has the chance to do their assignment, that is fair.  It would not be fair if the teacher only allowed right-handed students to use the computer.

Play fair, be prepared for others to play dirty, and don’t let them drag you into the mud. ~ Richard Branson

How Children Learn Fairness

Parents can begin early at home by assisting children in sharing snacks, setting the table alternately, and sharing toys or computer time.  The ultimate aim is for kids to handle disagreements on their own.  If the kids have the resources, there are several tactics that are effective in a range of situations.  By mastering techniques for handling conflict in the home, on the playground, and in the classroom, these confrontations become chances for character development and cooperation.

Ownership is yet another crucial component of equity.  Everyone is entitled to their own property.  It’s critical to teach children about the various forms of ownership—by the person, the family, and the community.  Speaking with a child about which toys they don’t want to share before friends arrive or about sharing when choosing whether to bring toys to school is beneficial to keep conflicts minimal. 

Kids also need to understand responsibility for their property. For example, they won’t be able to write if they lose all of their pencils. Or if they give away their snacks to a hungry classmate, but then they go hungry. You could encourage your child to bring an extra snack for their friend and, by doing so, assist them in coming up with solutions to problems by asking them about their thoughts and opinions.

Fairness is giving all people the treatment they earn and deserve. It doesn’t mean treating everyone alike. ~ John Wooden

Being Fair Differs From Being Nice

The idea that being fair and being nice are synonymous is false.  Ownership laws are always in effect, and fairness does not equate to niceness.  Although you have given your friend your house to use while you go on vacation for three years in a row, she is not required to let you use her house when she’s on vacation. You get to decide to be nice and let her use the home.  Maybe she has a good reason for not reciprocating. But it has nothing to do with whether she’s being fair.

As people become older, they learn fair is a spectrum with many distinct shades of gray. Not everyone gets picked for the team, gets the job, and not every person wins the grand prize.  Youngsters also begin to pick up on subtleties and irregularities in the process of making judgments.

You are their role model, thus you must resist the temptation to be cynical or inconsistent. Remind yourself that you don’t decide what is fair to others, as you aren’t the judge.  You’re the only one you have to manage.  We must give others the gift of empowerment and the assurance that they can manage their own actions and decisions if they are to develop personal responsibility.  It’s only fair, right?

It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Fair Can Be Applied Only If Everyone Is The Same

Instead of expecting the same from everyone, keep in mind that they are each distinct individuals. Therefore, their uniqueness needs to be considered. While not equal, various standards based on one’s authenticity are not unjust.

Have you ever visited a store and noticed something your child would really enjoy? You choose to give them this tiny gift as a surprise, but as soon as you do, you feel bad since you feel you should buy something similar for each of your children. So forty-five minutes later, you leave the store disappointed, having spent an additional twenty dollars looking for something you didn’t intend to buy. You purchased unnecessary items for the other children, which they are unlikely to value. Then, in the name of fairness, you wasted time and money.

I’m going to give you the gift of permission.

• Permission to handle everyone uniquely.
• Allowance to pick up a small gift for a single person, not for everyone.
• Permission to change someone’s work output to better suit their needs rather than that of a group.
• Permission to unwind and accept that it’s suitable to not always be fair, but to be nice.

Realizing that life isn’t fair is a valuable life lesson. Comprehending the virtue inherent in unfairness is even more valuable.

Equality is treating everyone the same. But equity is taking differences into account, so everyone has a chance to succeed. ~ Jodi Picoult

Unconditional Love Is Better Than Fairness

Not being fair is one of the best lessons you can ever give your children. What they need instead of fairness is love without conditions.

Love them when they take home the trophy. When their sibling grieves because they didn’t get a prize, show them your love. Admire them when they quickly solve the puzzle. Love them even if they take hours to complete the riddle.

No matter what, love them. Because you want them to understand that love always triumphs over fairness. Even though there will inevitably be harsh moments in life, love is stronger than all injustice.

Nothing in life is fair. It never was and it never will be. However, despite all the whining and blaming, are you genuinely taking action to better your life?

You can whine endlessly about how someone else is performing better than you, but whining won’t make the issue go away. It only serves to agitate you and annoy others rather than to take action.

Let’s imagine that clutter is getting out of hand in your life. Are you making any efforts to tidy-up, or are you just whining about it? Have you put any effort into purging what you no longer use? Have you organized so you can save time by finding things? Did you sell your unwanted items? When you genuinely want to solve a situation, you act in this manner.

Though force can protect in an emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration, and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace. ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Being Fair Is Inaccessible

Fairness is unachievable for a variety of reasons. The main one is the limitation of your brain. The attainment of fairness is contingent upon humanity freeing itself from the constraints of socialization and transcending all prior knowledge regarding what the brain notices and what it doesn’t. Regretfully, studies reveal cognitive constraints hinder individuals from breaking free from the limitations of all the knowledge they have ever gained.  Bias is unavoidable because of such cognitive constraints, which are a feature of your brain’s structure.

For instance, those early Enlightenment philosophers I mentioned earlier, who held that justice could exist because humans are capable of rational thought, also contended that certain groups, such as Native Americans, women, and slaves, lacked the capacity for rational thought and should therefore be eradicated, possessed, enslaved, or silenced.

It’s a very clear sign to stop and reconsider the possibilities for fairness if the folks who propagated the fairness construct were blind to their own hypocrisy regarding fairness. Being human means that you are biased and prejudiced because of cognitive limitations, generational patterns of behavior, and being human increases the likelihood that you will act on your biases and do harm.

Your logical selves provide the justification for your emotional inclinations. You frequently resort to legitimation because you don’t want others to think you’re biased.  However, just because you use the vocabulary of rational-legal discourse, such as “I’m just following the rules,” doesn’t imply that you are being fair.

Do not complain of life’s unfairness. It is never fair – at best it is impartial. ~ David Gemmell

The Need For Fairness Is About Envy

The issue with many people is that, whether they acknowledge it, they are jealous of those who they believe are doing better in life. While it’s true that they have it better, it’s crucial to keep in mind that some of them had to put in a lot of effort to get there. They focused on getting better and making the most of what they had at their disposal.

You should be the target of at least one finger of blame for every finger you aim at someone else. Until someone stops pointing fingers and takes action, nothing gets done. It is up to you to make something meaningful out of this life, since it’s yours. Nobody should have to hold their breath until you’re satisfied; you aren’t their problem.

So, before time runs out, are you going to seize your kingdom or will you live your entire life pretending to be a victim? It’s up to you, but you’re going to live a lifetime of suffering and disappointment if you expect too much from this life and not enough out of it.

Don’t subject yourself to that. Do something with your life! Go slowly, if you have to. Starting from scratch and building a bigger, better existence is the most difficult thing to do. You can achieve a few minor triumphs as soon as you take bold action. They’ll build on one another and you’ll start moving forward if you can maintain the pace.

It gets easier and you’ll get better at pivoting and getting past challenges, the stronger and more resilient you get.

Eventually, you’ll realize fairness was never really necessary. You’ll become quite confident in your authentic self and this self-assuredness never would’ve happened if you’d waited for life to give you a break. You won’t have time to feel sorry for yourself if you can learn to embrace the unfairness of life.

Fairness is not an attitude. It’s a skill that must be developed and exercised. ~ Brit Hume

Overcoming The Idea Of Being Fair

If there has been so much injustice in the past, how can you start being fair now?   If you suddenly find yourself in a world without cognitive constraints, the only way to guarantee fairness would be to make sure that everyone starts at the same place.  That doesn’t appear likely to occur.

The good news is that if you’re prepared to admit that fairness is unachievable, your community can develop and prosper.  You will experience discomfort if, in all honesty, you acknowledge you are not fair. Very awkward.  Admitting that you can never be fair may seem simple, but it has deeper implications.

However, you can begin to make allowances for your bias if you acknowledge you will never be impartial or just because of your cognitive limitations.  You can make a simple adaptation by surrounding yourself with individuals who have different experiences and opinions than you. So, be prepared to feel uncomfortable if you wish to go toward this impersonal idea of justice. It’s necessary for you to surround yourself with those who confront you about your prejudices.  Be prepared to listen, keep silent, and not assume you’re right.

More equitable rules can only be made when those drafting them represent the diverse population.   By hearing those who differ from you, you acknowledge you might not know how to be fair to all parties involved.    

Lack of fairness to an opponent is essentially a sign of weakness. ~ Emma Goldman

Moving Past Fairness

Try acting as though there is no such thing as fair or unjust today when you see something that seems unfair. It simply is. You’ll find that all that’s left to do is pursue your heart’s desire when there is no injustice to oppose.

The purpose of this piece is not to refute the existence of unfairness in the world. It exists. However, a lot of what people believe to be unfair can be neutralized by changing one’s perspective. It has great power! Use it today to move past the idea of fairness.

Fairness is man’s ability to rise above his prejudices. ~ Wes Fesler

Do you need help to shed those biases? Are you looking for a way to create more inner peace?  Do you need someone to help you be accountable during this process? If so, please reach out to me at TerriKozlowski.com and we can create a plan for you to create inner peace.

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It's Helpful to Understand The Myth of Being Fair

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The idea of being fair is not realistic based on how the brain perceives the world. But you can overcome your bias and alter your responses.

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Terri Kozlowski

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Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

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